


first love, huh?

by atemzug



Series: sincerely, slowly, falling in love [3]
Category: Golden Child (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Doukyuusei AU, Exes, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25872268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atemzug/pseuds/atemzug
Summary: Jangjun's having a hard time letting go, but he guesses that's how it really goes for first loves. Just ask Sungyoon; he'd say the same thing.
Relationships: Choi Sungyoon | Y/Lee Jangjun
Series: sincerely, slowly, falling in love [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1839001
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63





	first love, huh?

**Author's Note:**

> this story's premise is very loosely based on the last part of the movie [doukyuusei](https://youtu.be/wFQTncSyukA)
> 
> for this fic let's pretend jangjun and sungyun are the same age, and that the setting isn't in sk hence the lack of honorifics
> 
> although this work is part of a series, it's still a stand-alone fic, so you don't have to read any other work in this series to be able to understand this one! but in case you decide to read the other works, please note that the timelines might overlap. please also note that each work in this series revolves around a different couple.  
> 

Jangjun blames Joochan.

_ Yes _ , this is  _ totally  _ Joochan's fault and no one else’s. If he hadn't treated them out to drinks last night to celebrate his birthday (and his not-so-new relationship), Jangjun wouldn't have sent Sungyoon that text. Why did they even have to be born on the same day, anyway? Maybe Jangjun should blame Joochan's mom, too-- but that's just ridiculous, isn’t it? Still, nothing's more ridiculous than him sending his ex a sweet birthday message when they haven't talked - let alone seen each other - in over a year.

"Wake up, you lazy asshole," Mijoo's voice brings him back to the present.

The present is: Jangjun's head hurts from drinking too much, there’s a whole plastic bag of food from the nearby convenience store on the table, and he barely remembers what he said during the hour-long call he’d had with Sungyoon last night.

At least his older sister made breakfast, so there's that to be happy about today.

"It's rude to sleep at the dining table, you know?" she scolds, flicking him on the forehead. 

Jangjun manages to swat her hand away when she goes for a second flick. "Are you calling me rude?" Jangjun retorts.

"Yes."

"Yeah, you're right." He'll never admit it, but aside from hanging out with his friends, having meals with his sister is what he misses the most. While moving to the city alone for university is one of the greatest experiences in his life, nothing beats home-cooked meals and sibling banter. "Do you believe in miracles?"

Mijoo chokes on her coffee. "Are you still drunk?" she answers.

"Isn't it a miracle you're up before noon?"

"It  _ would be  _ a miracle for me to fall asleep after you woke me up to open the door for you," she says with an overly dramatic sigh, "especially since you were so obnoxiously loud on the phone with Sungyoon."

It's Jangjun's turn to choke on his drink, sputtering coffee all over the table. 

Mijoo clicks her tongue. "Don't you think it's time to move on, my dearest little brother?" she teases. "You're in college, for fuck's sake. Meet new people, go date and fuck around."

"You're free to offer me relationship advice only when you've fixed your own relationship," Jangjun replies after a coughing fit. "And I  _ do _ do that."

"There's no relationship to fix." She shrugs. "And if  _ you do  _ do that, then why are you still moping?"

"Because, unlike you, I don't develop feelings for people I fuck around with." He meant to say it with no bite, but he's always been a bit tactless. The flinch his sister tries to hide makes it clear that he hit a nerve. "Sorry," he immediately adds. 

"Me developing feelings for Hongseok isn't the same as you still having feelings for your ex," she points out, matter-of-factly. One of the things Jangjun really misses about Mijoo is the way she acknowledges her feelings and current situation so nonchalantly, as if it doesn't bother her at all, as if she’s not afraid to face them head on if she had to.

Jangjun on the other hand would rather die trying to ignore them.

“It’s not like that,” he lets out. 

"What is it like, then?"

He sighs, heavily. It's full of so much frustration and regret-- and admittance: these are  _ his  _ feelings. While they might only resurface when his inhibitions are so low they're almost non-existent, these feelings are real. And maybe Jangjun should, for once, stop being so hard-headed and heed his sister's advice.

"It  _ is  _ like that."

  
  
  
  


Jangjun blames himself.

There’s no one else to blame. It wasn’t Sungyoon’s fault they broke up. Sungyoon had never wanted that in the first place. Sungyoon had wanted to try, because he has always been  _ good _ like that. 

Sungyoon has always loved Jangjun like that. 

It was never perfect, but it was enough-- more than enough, even. Sungyoon has never been hard to love, despite the initially scary demeanor that first met Jangjun on that one night their bands had managed to snatch the same gig. Sure, it was never linear, either; after all, what relationship doesn't have its ups and downs? But the good has always outweighed the bad. 

Until Jangjun had decided to break things off, that is, because:  _ 'We're moving to different cities,'  _ and,  _ 'We're after different things,'  _ and,  _ 'Who knows, maybe we'll meet other people?'  _ and,  _ 'It's better to leave it this way, before it gets ugly, so we'd have good memories to look back on, right?' _

_ 'If that's really what you want,'  _ didn't exactly mean Sungyoon agreed, but he'd nodded in silent acquiescence before, as Jangjun had said himself, it could get ugly. 

Because Sungyoon has always been understanding like that. 

But Sungyoon has never been weak. When they had run into each other at the same gig, he'd smiled and asked Jangjun how he was doing. He had never tried to hide that he missed Jangjun, never tried to lie about still wanting to hold his hand, never tried to look away when Jangjun caught his lingering stare. He'd ended it with the softest smile - one that made Jangjun's heart ache so much that he had to be the one to look away.

Because Jangjun has always loved Sungyoon in a way that terrified him. 

"I think something's wrong," Changbin says, lying down beside him on the grass, interrupting his thoughts. 

It's such a nice summer day. The sun is up and warm but the weather's not humid, they're hanging out at the park after a hearty lunch courtesy of Joochan's mom. His three friends skipped school, reminding him of the old days when he still went to school with Joochan, and Changbin and Jisung would meet them here. Later they will go to the studio to practice. What could possibly be wrong?

Jangjun turns to his friend with a quirked eyebrow. 

Changbin chuckles. "You're so quiet," he expounds. "It's a little unnerving."

"It's Joochan's birthday," Jangjun says, as if that explains anything.

"Yeah. Doesn't that mean it's Sungyoon's birthday too?"

"Yeah."

"Makes me wonder what you did this time," Changbin muses. "Last time you--" 

"Don't remind me," Jangjun cuts him off. Except it's too late because he's  _ already reminded _ of the same time last year, when he'd gotten drunk too and bought Sungyoon's favorite ramen at the convenience store. He would've really gone to Sungyoon's house at an unholy hour had his friends not stopped him.

"Hard to move on, huh?" Changbin asks, his voice low and quiet, almost solemn. 

Jangjun scoffs. "What would you know?"

The other shrugs. "I just think if Seungmin ever breaks up with me, I won't be able to move on that easily either."

"And why is that?"

"Because, you know, first love and all."

"First love, huh?" Jangjun teases. 

"Yeah, I know, it's cheesy." Changbin laughs. "But I know you've been there before."

Jangjun remains quiet, because no matter how much he tries to deny it to himself, he really  _ has  _ been there too. 

Then Changbin asks, "He  _ was _ your first love, right?"

Jangjun considers before answering. He's been with other people before he was with Sungyoon, but he's never really felt the same way. Apart from his relationship with Sungyoon, all the others were never serious or committed at all. 

He's never loved anyone apart from Sungyoon.

"He  _ is. _ "

  
  
  
  


Jangjun blames the universe.

Or the stars.

Or fate.

Or destiny.

Or whatever sick divine intervention it was that decided it would be a good time to play with him. 

He was busy minding his own business, checking out food stalls in the market he passes by when going home from the studio, when a voice he'd recognize anytime and anywhere calls his attention, and the warmest hand pats him gently on the shoulder.

"Jangjun?" Sungyoon asks. He smiles when Jangjun turns around with wide eyes and a mouth agape. He still looks the same: still the brightest eyes, still the sweetest smile.

Jangjun's first love. 

He feels like throwing up with the way his heart is beating so fast. He usually never runs out of things to say, but all that comes out of his mouth at the moment is, "What are you doing here?" in a voice carefully devoid of emotion.

Sungyoon looks surprised - if not a little hurt. "I was gonna buy food," he replies.

"Here?" Jangjun asks. "Isn't this far from your place?" Then he realizes, a year is actually quite a long time. Things might have changed.

"It is," Sungyoon tells him, "but, uh, my friend lives nearby."

"Oh."  _ Oh.  _ Things might have changed. "Okay."

"Yeah. Sorry if I surprised you."

"It's fine, don't worry about it."

"Okay."

"Yeah. I should go."

"Right."

Then: "I'm sorry I called you last night," Jangjun says at the same time Sungyoon says, "Do you wanna talk for a while?"

"What?" they both ask at the same time too.

"You go first," Jangjun hastily says. 

"I was wondering if you have time to talk," Sungyoon says.

Jangjun should decline the offer. After all, they didn't exactly stay friends, and Mijoo has made it clear that, while moving on requires acknowledging his feelings, hanging out with the person he's trying to move on from isn't part of the process. But he's always been a bit reckless. Before he can stop himself, he responds, "Would your  _ friend _ be okay with that?"

"Why wouldn't he be?"

Jangjun shrugs. 

“He’s not--” Sungyoon sighs. “I’m asking  _ you  _ if  _ you  _ wanna talk, go for a walk, or something,” he explains, “it’s fine if you don’t want to.”

If the universe decides to play its sick little games on Jangjun right now, then  _ fuck it,  _ he thinks. He’ll go along with it, and maybe if he plays his cards right, he can get something out of it. “I do,” he tells Sungyoon, who flashes him a bright smile in return.

Suddenly  _ blaming  _ the universe has already turned into  _ thanking  _ the universe.

They end up walking around aimlessly, talking about uni and how different life is outside of town, occasionally stopping by food stands to eat, talking some more about everything that's inconsequential to them, until finally settling on a bench nearby a lake. It feels like a very casual date, like one they used to go on a lot when they were still together, and much like their very first one they’ve ever had: walking around and stuffing themselves with street food right before a gig. Except, this isn't a date, and they're not together anymore, and it’s all Jangjun's own fault that he has to stop himself from inching closer to Sungyoon until their shoulders and knees touch, instead of freely being able to do that  _ and more _ . 

Maybe he shouldn't be thanking the universe for this after all. 

"The friend I was talking about," Sungyoon starts before the silence becomes overbearing, "he's not my boyfriend or anything."

"Good to know," Jangjun replies, only to cringe at himself a second later.  _ Good to know. _ What kind of reply is that? "I mean, not that it's good you aren't in a relationship, it's just--"

"Stop being like that," Sungyoon chastises. "Stop being so awkward, it makes me feel awkward too."

"Right." Jangjun heaves a heavy sigh. "Sorry."

"If you need to get drunk to talk comfortably, we could go for a drink."

"No, it's fine."

Sungyoon looks at him, nudging his knee with his. "Is this weird?" he asks.

Jangjun looks away and shakes his head. "No," he admits. On the contrary, this - Sungyoon letting his knee rest against Jangjun's - it all feels very natural. That's what makes him feel uneasy. 

"Remember the first thing I ever said to you?" Sungyoon asks after a while. 

Jangjun smiles at the memory. It's been so long, but he still remembers the first time they met so vividly: the way he confidently went up to Sungyoon just right after his band played, thinking he was such a good vocalist and telling him just that, only to be turned down a second later.  _ "You're cocky,"  _ Jangjun answers. It still makes him laugh, really, how only a week later they'd started hanging out regularly. 

"I still think you are," Sungyoon tells him. 

Jangjun still thinks he is, too. “Why?" he still asks.

"Breaking up with me then calling me every time you’re drunk.”

The truth, when finally said out loud and right at his face, makes Jangjun wince. “If you’d called,” he mumbles, “I would’ve answered right away too, you know?”

“That’s precisely why I never got drunk,” Sungyoon replies. “Do you even remember what you told me last night?”

“ _ Happy birthday? _ ”

“You said if you could turn back time, you would.”

“I said that, huh?” Jangjun asks. He doesn’t remember much, but he knows he’d said some things that probably sounded desperate. 

“But you didn’t know  _ until when _ to turn it back,” the other adds. “You said it was either the moment we first met or the moment you broke things off.”

Despite his hazy memory of their recent phone call, Jangjun actually remembers that part. If he could turn back time, he’d either go back to the moment he first met Sungyoon, to stop everything before it even had the chance to escalate, or the moment he broke things off with Sungyoon, to stop himself from saying words that even back then he already knew he wouldn’t be able to follow through with. 

He also remembers what Sungyoon said in return: “You told me you’d fast forward time instead,” he says, “to the moment we’d stop pretending we don’t want each other back.”

Then Sungyoon’s hand lands on the space between them, palm up. Waiting. “The choice is yours, you know?” he says softly. 

And Jangjun  _ does _ know. He’s always known.

Because Sungyoon has always loved him like that. 

His own hand finds Sungyoon’s, lacing their fingers together as soon as their palms touch. Electricity runs through his spine.

He’s always loved Sungyoon like that.

“I choose you.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.qa/crashingfalling) / [golcha rps twt](https://twitter.com/yunjangs)


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